Monday, October 8, 2012

So Close and Yet So Far....

I remember the first summer I was away from home. I was living thirty miles south in an apartment with a guardian and four other figure skaters. I called home in the first week; I was physically exhausted, very lonely, and I remember it was a Thursday evening. I was crying. I asked for my dad. Without hesitation my mother yelled telling me to “stop it immediately and pull myself together”. To this day, it's been the most memorable life lesson about personal survival I have ever had. I was twelve.

Before David left last night we had an hour long heart to heart. It was genuine for both of us and (I feel) we were honest and sincere.  We spoke about how he was left in the city and assumptions were made about the situation he'd been placed in. Let’s just say, incorrect assumptions (on my part) were made. Yesterday the record was set straight.

I have always pushed my children. I have unconditionally supported them, and I have also stepped back so they could appreciate the dedication it takes to be successful. As discussed for the first time this weekend, nothing prepares a child to leave the nest. This weekend solidified that it’s not only my journey that has been difficult, so has theirs.

As a mother, it’s hard to admit that I've made some serious parenting mistakes, but I have. All three of my children are unique and as a result never a way to treat them perfectly equal.  It may not have always been equal but it's always been fair. That said, I am very respectful of the choices and the decisions they’ve made. Only time will tell them their true stories.
Just because you can't see me... Doesn't mean I'm not here.

As I sit at my desk this afternoon I am feeling a little like my pup in the picture. 

My children may think when they struggled the hardest I wasn’t there for them but that’s not true. I've never been out of earshot, my heart racing, a safe distance away. 

When it comes to David, I am glad he understands that I'll always be there for him.

All I can hope is that I will eventually be invited down the stairs. I have to think I will be but if I’m not at least now I will understand why.