O IS FOR OPTIMISTIC

From the April A-Z Blogging archives.

This was originally posted April 17th, 2014

Let’s just get the white elephant out of the room on this one. 

I wanted to choose orgasm, yet I didn’t register for adult content so I moved on. Opinionated was a close second, you all know I am so why bother. Orillia Lake is something I've already beaten to death: next? 

Outgoing, I am. Obese, I am not. Offensive, I try. Considered, once; “once was lost, now I'm found” ...Pffft, I’m blocked.

April 17th, 2014 - OPTIMISTIC

I am overwhelmed at work but who gives a crap? I don’t eat organic so that's pretty silly. 

Oh Henry? Oh My God? How about obedient? Don't answer that. BLOCKED!

The object of my affection? The occasional off colour joke? Well, it's never occasional, which leads me to obnoxious.

One-horse, one-sided, old, only, onward? Nope!

Zero. Zip. Nada. Nothing. Zilch.

Officially blocked, I am optimistic one word will come to me by the end of the day. Who says "more isn't necessarily better... sometimes it's just more?" 

Oops. Obviously? That would be me!

G IS FOR GIFT

From the Aprill A-Z Blogging archives.

This was originally posted on April 8th, 2014

Audrey Hepburn once said, “you can always tell what a man really thinks of you by the earrings he gives you.”

I have only been given one pair of earrings in my entire life. They were extravagant solitaire diamonds, and they were beautiful. I lost one about ten years ago, but the other still sits in my jewelry box to this day. They were given as a gift. An expression of love.

I have been married for almost a quarter century, and the earrings were not from my husband. My comment wasn't to share about the earrings per se, but to illustrate the fact that gifting has never been something I have a whole lot of experience with. 

My husband has never been one to land at home with a gift “just because”. However, I'll jump to his complete and unconditional defense admitting that neither have I.

April 8th, 2013 - GIFTS
Taken: Myrtle Beach SC (Xmas 1997)

In the early years it was a money thing. Today we both just find the whole gifting to each other expectation a little silly.

After all these years together, by refraining from the exercise, sometimes I wonder if that's why neither of us aren't even remotely materialistic people

When it comes to us, there's never been some underlying expectation that the next gift will out shine the last. 

We need something we buy it. We don't need it, we don't have it.

Both of us were raised to appreciate that the best gifts in life come from the heart rather than from a shopping mall. I wish I could admit that when it came to our children we didn't over indulge, but at least we always tried to make them prioritize what they desired most.

At the end of the day, the earrings may have been the most expensive gift I have ever been given, but they are nowhere near my most treasured by far. That gift, is something that I have just recently given myself.

It's called hope.

MOOSEKOKA MUSING

Just hanging out at the cottage with my big bad bull Moose. 
TAKEN: SEPTEMBER 2018

I was driving home from work last week and I quickly called one of my closest confidants. I thought I had forgotten to thank them from paying for lunch. 

Once connected via Bluetooth, I was reminded that I had in fact already thanked them for lunch, and they in return thanked me again for listening. What followed was quick and very candid conversation about the makings of a meltdown. 

I can speak from experience when I admit that when I finally submit and actually melt down, the emotional fallout can be nuclear. The bigger tell is that final straw is never usually the root cause,  it's just the particular moment housing my last semblance of personal strength when a cherished trust is broken.

Because most know and read me as a full blown extrovert, you may be surprised to learn that I am actually a very private person. I tend to listen far more than I share, and when I do share, it’s generally about generic life experience rather than anything of a very personal nature.

As a people pleasing lass I can count on one hand the number of lifelong friends I have and I firmly believe I've had more than one soulmate thus far in my lifetime. 

You know, that certain someone you have an immediate connection with the moment you meet and that connection is so strong that you feel you've known them your entire life. You immediately know they're special and meant to be in your life - which describes my aforementioned lunch date perfectly!

Soulmate status update aside, I guess my musing point is that in all my years I have learned that many things come and go. Things like people, possessions, pets as well as my patience for personal and professional politics and shell games. 

Though I have never been one for looking back with regret, I have always tried to forgive myself for not having the foresight to see something bad coming my way. I guess you could say that is one of the systemic problems with my rose coloured glasses I wear with such pride.

Those suckers can make a brown bull moose charging me head on, appear in my favourite shade of red.

Even worse? 

They always seem to have a smile on their face!

#TrueStory #seephotoabove

COLOUR MY WORLD

Have you ever heard the saying, ‘your best laid plans never hatch?’

You see, I was supposed to go see Chicago (the band) Friday night but folded like a lawn chair because I just didn’t have any fuel left in my tank.

Though my plans had been in place before my birthday trip to New York, I had no idea my precious Toronto Raptors would win the NBA title, keeping me up until 2am and have me sitting at my desk less than six hours later.

So, I abandoned the tickets but managed to keep my end of day hair appointment.

My plan was to simply pop in for a trim, but when I sat in the chair & spied myself in the mirror, I instantly knew I needed some sort of a change.

Truth is, in the moment I wished I could instantly drop 20lbs & be 21 again; but changing my hair colour seemed like an excellent starting point at 4pm on a quiet Friday afternoon.

Excited that my rainy day photo wasn't a selfie...
TAKEN: JUNE 15th, 2019

Change. Such a big word.

As I sit here and type, I know one thing to be true. I’m not looking toward any type of change to be able cope, rather because I need to shift and move in a different direction.

Now, don’t for a minute imagine that I’m stupid enough to think that a few highlights in my hair are going to somehow verbalize that a new Sheriff's landed in town and things are gonna change... Rather, I guess I’m hoping this small tweak might give me a wee bit more confidence, to start saying DON'T when I need to.

My rant complete, my biggest regret is that I need to make up for missing an amazing show Friday night with another road trip. So, as I listen to Chicago II cranked on vinyl, I realize that not only do they ‘Colour My World’, my kick-ass hairdresser does too!

The moral of my story? If it doesn’t make you feel fabulous; don’t do it, don’t buy it, don’t wear it, don’t eat it, don’t keep it.

Much easier said, than done.

...If I do say so myself!

MY FOOD BANK OF THOUGHTS

Well, it’s that time of year again. When our local economy for tourism dwindles and the plethora of cottagers close up until the lakes open again next year. That said, I think you really have to live here to truly appreciate the seasonality of income and the impact it has on our year round residents.

As you may or may not know, this coming weekend is when Canadians celebrate Thanksgiving. As a result, our Oldtimers hockey team held a food drive last night to help feed our families in need. No one gets paid for their time, nor the resources they provided and their only reward is knowing they are providing a very valuable and much needed community service.

2016 Muskoka Oldtimers Fall Food Drive
TAKEN: OCTOBER 4th, 2016

Short story long, when the knock came to our door last night our three dogs went bonkers. Through the glass in my front door, I could see two young girls wearing hockey jerseys with identifying lanyards draped around their neck. At the end of my drive, a pick-up truck to carry the donations they would have to walk to collect. Immediately, I knew it was the food drive being promoted over the local radio station, so I hollered over the dogs asking them to sit tight as we gathered our items.

As we wandered back up from the door and glanced out our kitchen window, we noticed the girls were headed next door. My husband joked that “they’d give way better stuff than us,” so we watched. We could see our neighbour, whom had done an extravagant exterior landscape renovation this past summer, speaking with the girls. Then, for some very personal reasons I’m sure, closed their door and sent them away empty handed. We were in shock.

After about 10 minutes of dialogue, we realized our opinions on the matter had us racing to the bottom. Bitching about what we’d witnessed wouldn’t make a difference, yet packing up another bag of food on our neighbours' behalf, just might help feed another family in need; which is exactly what we did.

We bolted down the street, explained why we wanted to give more, and I asked the girls if I could take their picture. Not to point out the glass half empty but to post and thank all of the students, parents, grandparents, uncles, sisters, cousins, brothers, for their servitude. 

I know last night I announced to my Facebook friends that I was feeling a rant coming on, which is probably what they were expecting to read. Instead, after a good night sleep and some reflection, my mindset has changed. A day later, I have reduced my emotions to a 50/50 race between hope and karma. 

Hope, yes I definitely felt hope last night. Young people giving back, working hard and staying positive and the majority of the community working together. Yet after what I witnessed from my neighbours, the other side of my brain is pulling an equally strong Karma vibe. 

Guess only time will tell on all fronts.

Thanks for reading.

WOWZA-KA-BOWZA!

Knowing I had a big day today, I was in bed early last night and was up before dawn this morning. After a two and a half hour conference call, by mid afternoon I’d had about enough multi-tasking one could handle and decided to throw on a coat and head outside with the dogs.

WOWZA KA BOWZA!

You know what they say... Beauty is in the eye of the beholder.
TAKEN: FEBRUARY 10th, 2015

This aft the UV rays were so intense and temperature so mild, it felt like the only thing missing was my Fairy Godmother walking down the drive offering me three wishes. It felt wonderful!

As I walked around the dog trails, throwing sticks and basking in the sun, I found myself at the bottom of the snow covered steps to the fire pit (admiring our rickety old trellis). In awe, I just stood there.

My old friend was surrounded by a perfect blanket of snow, with a crisp pristine blue sky to offer the perfect backdrop; absolutely beautiful, solid and stoic. To a girl that hadn't been out of the house since last Saturday afternoon, it offered a very welcome visual euphoria.

Alone in the moment I couldn't help daydreaming, about my trellis and the simple thought that if I headed up that hill... Caught my snowshoe and twisted both my ankles and called 911... A really hot fireman would come role play my fantasy. (Knowing that ain't ever gonna ever happen, I went back into the house and got back to work.)

I AM pleased to report that my husband called minutes later to surprised me with the fact that he'd stopped and bought me four new pair of my very favourite fuzzy socks. That right there had me shave my legs, put on my best bonnet, and wait for him to get home to me with bells on.

What can I say? The only person responsible for making your day memorable is YOU!

...HOW MANY MORE SLEEPS?

It's official. Booked and paid for, I'm taking an exciting last minute vacation next month!

It wasn't something that had been on my radar but as I looked at spending a boatload of money for an extended stay in February, I slowly began analyzing. Turns out there's a significant cost savings taking two one week vacations (a few months apart) rather than two weeks together mid winter.  

Truth of the matter is, last year I realized a week just isn't long enough in February. We're so far north, we lose two travel days getting there and coming home; then once you've decompressed and get into a routine, it's time to start packing to come back home to the snow. 

After I couldn't solidify the February plans, I started to reflect about our Christmas vacation of 2012. (We'd packed up our pups and headed to a house on the beach in South Carolina.) Having that shot of Vitamin D before the real crux of winter hit was amazing. Then, with the thought of how truly perfect that trip was, got me to thinking.

...Which brings me to today.

Right after I see another 'Bucket List' concert, I'm heading to YYZ the following morning and jumping a 7:30am plane. In less than a month from now, I'll be running along an amazing stretch of beach in the Caribbean. Screw my new treadmill... I'll be running and singing, while baking in the morning sun!

I don't know about you, but for me, there's something about the planning of any kind of time away, that makes me reflective of the adventures that I've already had.

Like anyone, I'm sure vacation moments are memorable because they've had some sort of defining personal moment; others, just seem to jump out as memorable because you know you'd never want history repeat itself. I try not to draw comparisons but over time I've developed a pretty specific 'must have' list.

So, once again, down to two and over thinking which resort (resulting in numerous phone calls throughout the process) my husband reminded me that the most important 'must have' was already in place and the the rest of the little shit won't matter.

"We'll be together" he said.

And just like that I handed over a credit card number... because that kind of logical thinking made the decision for us!

...I GOTSTA A BOOTY CALL!

This time last year I was the happiest I’d been in my personal life in a very long time.

Everything at home was tickety-boo and I was surrounded by a couple of amazing folks that unconditionally supported me leaving the best job I’d ever had. Even today, reminiscing about their support and friendship keeps me totally content that I've made the right decision in starting over.

I've processed some of my worst moments in this chair.
TAKEN: September 23, 2014

Now that you’re all warm and fuzzy inside, here’s the zinger. Yesterday, the external hard drive (that I consider my daily life line) died. 

Like any death, I am feeling completely alone.

I've never thought of myself as a work-a-holic, I've always preferred focused; that was until I sat at my desk this morning & realized exactly what I had to rebuild. Like any death, it’s absolutely heartbreaking.

In order to self-preserve I have always looked to humour. After getting off the phone with one of my two above mention faves I felt better. They listened to me cry but also heard me laugh. Their work ethic gives me the strength to push through and hearing their voice reminded me I’m not alone.

I haven’t spoken nor emailed my other fave. He knows who he is. Always the class clown, he’s forever rationalizing any negative thing in life by equating it to sex.  My best guess is that he would probably playfully remind be that yesterday was nothing other than a really HOT Booty Call. 

Truth? I wasn't ready to hear what he had to say when I asked why LIFE wanted to screw me so bad... Guess it's because I know he would have had me in tears with laughter and I'm honestly not quite ready for that yet.

NOTE TO SELF: Call him first thing tomorrow!

Anyone Else 'Happy Light' Hopeful?

Yesterday morning I sat up in bed to look at the clock. In doing so, my husband awoke. I immediately said… “Boy, it sure is dark out for eight thirty.” To which he immediately said, “…go back to sleep Rhondi. It’s only six thirty!” So I gave him a smooch, rolled over, and did exactly as I was told.

I know it's only September but for some reason I can already feel it coming. Those six weeks a year when 90% of the time I don’t know whether to wind my watch or wipe my ass. Don't laugh: I become totally discombobulated and my cheery disposition all but disappears. It’s absolutely awful.

So, in an effort to cope, last year after Hallow’een I got a ‘happy light’. This morning, with it pouring rain outside and two lamps on in my office, I dug the sucker out and turned it on. I dunno. Perhaps my waking in the dark yesterday (and working in the dark this morn) made me think that being proactive couldn't hurt. Hell, worth a try right?

Some don’t believe in them and others swear by them. I did use the one I aquired a little last year but not enough to form an opinion either way. What I DO know is with the summer we've had, I've got 'er plugged in and on stand by. I've officially decided to use it whenever I need a boost of light. Between it and the tanning bed I might actually make it through the winter.

Speaking of tanning, Goob stopped by this aft. He picked up his mail and I asked him if he'd get on a plane with me in November for a quick trip into the sun. His answer was what I expected. 'I could be down for that' he said. My next invite will be to Jukebox. 

Like I said to Goob... there's something to be said for not knowing where we're going until 24 hours before a plane takes off. I am recommending we pick three destinations and we do some sort of lottery to decide which wins. Either way, I know one thing for sure... I won't need to pack my happy light. 

Just my love for the sunlight & a really BIG smile!

Y IS FOR YUCK!

Today's effort is brought to you by the letter Y and the number 4!

My afternoon view from my home office window. Holy crap load of rain BATMAN!
Taken: April 29th, 2014

What a day. I diligently spent the majority of it on the phone.  Sitting at my desk, the sound of the torrential rain, was louder that the radio playing in the background at times. The trees were bending to-and-fro and I couldn't help but watch the dreary day slowly pass.

Dark and gray outside, I pouted about how badly I needed it to be bright and sunny. At least in the dead of winter, I got the benefit of the blanket of white, as the bright sun reflected upon it. Today was just one of those days that I wanted to take a spoon to my wrist.

You know deal? It's the only option I'll entertain. Just good cutlery rationale!

Never use a knife because it will cut, a fork with puncture and pierce, but a spoon gets rid of the pent up frustration looming inside. Best practice is to press the spoon to your wrist, then head upstairs and have a great big bowl of ice cream with it. If it's a really bad day, I suggest you go with a tablespoon rather than a teaspoon. Simply because it mathematically holds more ice cream!!

It’s my 25^th letter and my second last post. I truly wish I was sharing YIPPPEEEE.

Instead... YUCK will have to do!

Q IS FOR QUESTION

Q: WHY IS COMMON SENSE NOT SO COMMON?

A:

K IS FOR KIDDIES

Twenty five years ago next month, I was told by our family physician that the rabbit had died and we were to expect a delivery from the stork the following February. I’ll admit that the pregnancy wasn't planned and unexpectedly becoming a first time mother, was the largest learning curve I ever recall enduring.

Then, a little over two years later, two more seven-pounders arrived, just about two minutes apart. Their names had been chosen prior but once we officially met them, we had to go back to the bazillion baby names we’d already discounted.

I remember those first few days fondly. I remember the look on Jamie’s face the first time they met and how he confidently turned down the hospital bedding saying…“Let’s go Mommy… It’s time to go home!”

Hopping the bus to MMO for their first day of school.
TAKEN: SEPTEMBER 3rd, 2002

As I look at my photo of their first day of school in 2002, I can't help but wonder (yet again) where the time has gone.

Right or wrong, we always ran a very tight ship. So, it's only natural that I'd struggle with being downsized. No handbook prepares you for midlife... NONE!

If I'm being honest with myself, I'd have to admit that it's our current transition that has been the most comforting. 

We've all moved onto the next phase of our lives, which in itself, is another exciting time. As a parent, I find it comforting that though they may have officially closed their ears to our advice, they have officially opened their eyes to our example. 

Every single tool we have, we have given.

So, something tells me, if they follow that compass...They'll all be just fine!

My Feet Are Downright Desperate!

Enjoying coffee together this morning, my husband asked me my plans for the day. Even though he knew I had to work, he also knows I try really hard to spend at least four hours outside every Sunday. Today, no matter how hard I tried, I couldn't move that idea forward in my mind. 

I honestly don’t hate winter. Truth is, I work really hard every year to survive winter. From Hallowe’en to Easter, I have to force myself to get off my fat ass and venture the hell outside.

Historically, the seasonal weather has me trek in footwear stages; flip flops to sneakers, to rubber boots, to snowmobile boots, to snowshoes, to rubber boots, to sneakers, to flip flops. It’s not rocket science but it helps me process when I'll eventually get the sunlight, as well as my life back. 

Aren't the perfect?
(Fine print reads... Meant for sand not snow!)
Taken: February 2014

In hindsight, I suppose the blind side happened when I went from rubber boots (in the fall of 2013) to snowshoes, which is where I’ve been stuck ever since. 

Pushing my buttons and tired of my bitching, my husband sarcastically announced 'no matter what the weather'... In two weeks, he was going to start wearing shorts to work.

Totally unimpressed by his lack of empathy for my plight, I immediately went upstairs on a mission. I removed my fuzzy socks and began wearing my brand new (very sexy) flip flops around the house.

Let's face it. You can look at my behaviour in a couple of different ways: A) Desperate times call for desperate measures. B) There's more than one way to skin a cat. C) Leave me alone I'm totally pouting and pissed with winter... or D) All of the above.

She's all of the above Baby... ALL OF THE ABOVE!!

Clickety-Clack It's Yakety Zack

I was telling a friend last summer that whenever I know I am about to experience something memorable I snap a photo. Last Tuesday night at 9:30pm I held up my phone because it felt exactly that. It wasn't a memorable moment because I was standing in Dundas Square at night, it was memorable because of whom I was standing in the moment with.

As an aside... I LOVE this Show on W!
Taken: January 14th, 2014

Other than a string of really great emails, I hadn't gotten together with my buddy Zack since the 2013 Fall Cottage Life Show. 

Because he works in Toronto, he tends to only venture into Muskoka in the summer. So, like the ebb and flow of any great friendship, whenever I head into the city, he willingly clears his calendar.

He’ll kill me for writing this but he’s a pretty important person; as a result, I wasn't even remotely surprised when he was running well over an hour late.

When I opened the door and he wrapped his arms around me, it felt like I was putting on my very favourite pair of fuzzy slippers. Crazy comfortable!

What can I say other than we did what we do best. We talked and talked and walked and talked and finally settled on a place to enjoy dinner. He had a million questions for me and I for him. It was like there was no one other than the two of us on the face of the earth.

As you all know, I've had a rough few months. Some say they know what’s best for me (of course they do, because they know everything) and some have just unexpectedly walked away: Zack has done neither.

To take it to the next level, Wednesday morning found me panicked because I was completely stress about meeting certain people for the very first time. Knowing I was a basket case, my phone sounded and it was Zack.

"Take a deep breath and smile” he said “Oh… and don’t you ever forget that you're amazing and that this moment is yours to own.”

As a woman in business, you have no idea how great it feels knowing I have my very own secret weapon.

That is sexy....And HE knows it!

Anyone Have A Bench I Can Borrow?

Funny how it's the little things that end up meaning most...
Taken: Saturday November 23rd, 2013

When I was at work this morning it was particularly quiet and for whatever reason I found myself gazing out the front window. 

In the distance I spied my lunch bench. I walked outside and snapped this pic. Frankly because it looked as cold and isolated as I have felt here for quite some time now. Both of us just existing really.

I have said it before and I‘ll say it again... I hate this time of year. But this year has been especially hard for me because I can feel myself transitioning. I know where I am going and I am OK with all of that, I just hope I have the endurance to see my plans through. 

I know perfectly well that my inner philosophy of “I think I can endure therefore I will” some days will test every single bone in my body. Not that it’s the bones in my body that keep my mouth shut but I think you know exactly what I mean. Which is why I couldn't help but stare at my bench.

Oh how I sat out there every single lunch hour last summer. Catching some rays, chatting and laughing on my cell phone. That bench, as well as the person on the other end of my cell phone, made all the hard work and sacrifice worth it. Funny how everything can change in a heartbeat…

It’s to be hoped I will always have that special someone on the other end of the phone but it saddens me to know I'll never spend another summer with my bench. I know, I know, at the end of the day it’s all stupid shitty silliness - just like everything else I write here.

I get that!

What’s It Going To Be? SALT or SEX?

Holy salt lick Batman!
Taken: July 30th, 2013

Okay, this is really quite funny so I have to share. I should start by mentioning my husband has struggled with high blood pressure for longer than I can remember.

Last night, while we were waiting for David and his girlfriend to arrive for dinner, he decided to make himself a cocktail; a very yummy Caesar to be exact. When I glanced across the kitchen counter I was shocked to see the salt lick Tony had applied to his glass. Being the shy spouse I am, I quietly broached the subject.

"TONY... What don't you understand about staying away from salt with your high blood pressure?" As he looked at me like a kid with his hand caught in the cookie jar I continued; "DUDE! You're going to have a friggin' stroke!!!"

Joking around I grabbed the glass off the counter, picked up my phone, and headed out to the deck. "I'm gong to Blog about this" I announced.

After taking my photo I shuffled back into the cottage. He was laughing declaring that he had slipped with the lemon juice and that he never intended to put so much celery salt on the rim of the glass.

With a great big smile, I had one other announcement to make. "You realize that once your high blood pressure causes you to have a stoke, you're bedridden and wearing a drool bib, that celibacy is not even remotely an option for me right? I handed him his glass back and we both had a good laugh.

Even though our back and forth was all in good fun; sometimes, it's takes something monumental to change a persons thought process. In this instance, I am not sure if it was the drool bib or the threat of not having sex again that hit home. All I can say is that when his cocktail was finished he was proud that he had consumed only about 50% of the salt and left the remainder on the top of the empty glass.

Either way, we're moving in the right direction!

Because Debi Says So

About a month ago I had a meeting with a really nice couple. They have been married for almost 40 years; he has been CEO of several successful publicly traded companies, and she his beacon. Toward the end of the meeting, her husband excused himself to use the washroom, and his wife decided to share. “Six months ago I thought we were building a cottage” she said. “Now I am being completely uprooted and I am totally lost.” She was visibly upset. 

It turns out that her husband had sold their marital home in the city, and in turn had decided exactly how their future was going to unfold. As she shared her story I was in shock. It was all I could do to remain composed and listen. She was devastated.

Meetings number two and three transpired without her in attendance, and finally the three of us met again this week. All I could do was think about what she’d said the first time we'd met and how she must be feeling. Finding ourselves alone, she once again felt reflective. “What am I going to do? I don’t know anyone in Muskoka” she said. My response was instant and heartfelt.

I really do believe in the power of positive energy
TAKEN: July 22nd, 2013

“Relax Debi” I said. "What do you mean you don't know anyone in Muskoka? You know me now don’t you?" 

As she smiled and nodded, I couldn’t resist myself; "It’s all good" I continued. Consider yourself totally hooked up, because let's face it girlfriend, I know EVERYONE!"

She acknowledged my words, excused herself, and went out to their car. She returned with a small silver sticker. She handed it to me and I immediately gave her a hug. 

As soon as they left, I went to my desk and put that puppy on my monitor as a constant reminder of what karma really is.

As silly as it may sound, this was a significant moment I will remember for a very long time. Thanks Debi!

June 24th, 2012? A Biggie For Me…

GOOB & Me at Actinolite
Taken: June 23th, 2012.

It was exactly a year ago yesterday that I sat outside the King Eddie Hotel in downtown Toronto sobbing as I prepared for my journey back to Muskoka. 

If I close my eyes I can see the bench I sat on that morning; I was outside a Starbucks, my eyes were damp, and I began to lean on a friend via BBM.

My memory of that very moment's vivid; it was a Sunday morning, and I felt totally lost and alone in my dark thoughts. 

My biggest problem? There wasn't a GPS nor flashlight anywhere in sight to help me find my way!

A year later I feel sorry for my poor David; in hindsight I was leaning on him far more than I should have. In retrospect, he valiantly carried me. I hadn’t been diagnosed as depressed, but 365 days after the fact, I am convinced that bothersome stray cat was scratching really hard at the screen door.

The only thing I didn’t do was fold like a lawn chair and let him in. You have no idea how easy it would have been to open the door and welcome the company. I wanted to. I just never did. I worked really hard every single day (for the next several months) so I wouldn't have to clean the litter box.

I am reflective for a couple of reasons tonight. Today is the first anniversary of one of my lowest points personally during a very trying time. I didn’t go to work yesterday. It wasn’t a vacation day, I called in sick. Not because I was feeling blue but the exact opposite. My driving need for a sense of accomplishment had me rendered completely exhausted.

I'm in a great place. Matter a fact, this summer I am going to hold myself accountable rather than look to those around me to blame for my being a bitch. Blame is nothing other than a lame excuse. That said, there are a very small handful of people in my life that need to just go away.

Departure isn't needed because I am mad or upset, but rather it's time to let go of the outside influence that breed self doubt. As bizarre as it sounds, I don’t want them to go away mad, I just want them to go away. As I resign myself to the reality at hand, I only have one other thing to say.

You know who you are...

My Friday Night Fix

My morning went off the rails quicker than Charlie Sheen in a crack house. I'm not joking. At every single turn, I found unwanted stress. Not just stub your toe kind of stress, but the big stuff that emotional tsunamis are made of.

"The Lord helps those that help themselves.." my mother always use to say. This time last year, I would have booked an appointment with my Chiropractor to ease my body's tension and stress; nowadays, my needs are very different, so I quickly put my thinking cap on. With tears flowing again after lunch, I knew exactly what I needed to do. I needed to call and book a room.

No one will ever know... I thought. It’s a Friday night in June, there will be no one around. I had this surge of adrenaline, then I closed the office door and made the call before I changed my mind. “I’d like to book a room for right after work” I said. “Are there any available?” They have my credit card on file so there was no need to register. (Who says a small town doesn't have its perks?)

When I arrived, they were extremely accommodating. "Your room is waiting” she said. I closed the door, took off my clothes and looked lovingly at my old and dear friend. I have never been so happy to be in another’s exclusive company in my entire life.

Once I was finished, I left completely satisfied and extremely content. Tonight made me see the light. So much so that on the way out the door and whispered "just so you know... I really do love you... very much.”

My 1st Friday Night Special
Taken: June 7/13

I wish I could have heard those very words uttered back. I have always longed to hear "I love you too"  but not a single word was said. As always, I turned out the lights, closed the door, and headed home. 

Kind of sad really. When will they invent a talking tanning bed that can unconditionally return my love?

What the hell were you thinking?

V Is For... VACATIONS

April 25th, 2013 - VACATIONS
Taken: April 22/13

V - VACATIONS:

A - Always

C - Cherished

A - And a

T - Truly

I - Indulgent

O - Offering of much

N - Needed

S - Sunshine, Sleep, Shopping & Smiles....

VACATIONS!