Head Down & Mouth Shut? Lucky 4U!

I LOVE where I'm at.... With regards to you?
Never liked you since we met more than 30yrs ago!
Taken: April 27th, 2008

I was scrolling through electronic files the other night when I came across a folder (my then assistant snapped) of pics taken the day we filmed my first commercial.

I don’t remember why I was looking down that day, but five years later this is a perfect self portrait for today.

Five years ago when faced with a day like today I would have easily stood up, roared so loudly that the hair on the back of your neck stood on end, whilst piss uncontrollably filled your pants.

I’m softer now. I tend to internalize more than I ever imagined I ever could. I'm at peace. I’m not conceding, yet proud of the fact.

I am completely aware that there is a calmness in my life that I have never had before. Whether it's because of that online anger management course I aced a couple years back, or just simply the 1-2 midlife/menopause punch I have been dealt; no matter what, I refuse to question or change it.

If I had to provide a tally I'd say there may be five people I have met in my entire life that really know me. Outside those few, there are those that feel they do, which (let's face it) is always a hurdle. Then, there are those that just simply want to stick their nose where it doesn’t belong. Not because they care, but out of habit. It's just who they are!

Well, today was that latter persons lucky day. They need to be extremely grateful that my outlook on life has changed. Though some may see them as "strong" my first thought process is that their smell isn’t everything.

Truth of the matter is they haven't seen strong. Why? Because I know for a fact that I could have easily kicked their sorry fat ass into submission today. Why didn't I do it? Because they are not worth a single ounce of my totally amazing Kung Fu kick ass energy.

I have it under wraps now...Seems I am holding it in reserve. It's just simply how I roll...!

TAP TAP TAP... Is This Thing On?

What makes someone who they are? Is it primarily behaviours that are taught?  Sheer genetics? Or is it as simple as ongoing self-discovery, that genuinely morphs a person until the day they die?

  

No doubt a tad deep for a Tuesday eve, but I woke up in the middle of the night last night asking myself those very questions. Relax; there were no tears from woes, just a really bad hot flash that had me sitting at my desk at 3am looking at photos. I looked at photos for at least an hour. My body was completely exhausted; my mind full of imagination, creativity, and reflection. So much has changed for me.

Change or not, I can’t believe this weekend is Labour Day and the summer is over. There was so much I wanted to accomplish, and my list of things to do is still far too long. I didn’t swim nor read as much as I had hoped, but the crappy weather did move me indoors where I started dancing again. I had forgotten just how much I had missed it, not to mention how strongly my inner balance is ingrained with it.

I’m not sure why I stopped. I haven’t really danced since I choreographed Guys and Dolls in 2003. I have always hacked about, entertaining the HENS, but I'd never gotten back into the routine of conditioning myself, or setting the proper time aside to do so.

Suppose the shitty weather this summer offered me the opportunity (as well as the time) to reignited my inner passion.

As I get ready to run a tub and jump into bed I reflect...

Have you ever noticed that when you’re looking for something that you've lost, you always find it in the very last place you look?

I guess that’s because once you've found it, you inevitably stop looking.

That said, I know I'll never stop again. Not because I am lost, but because I am truly grateful. I am bold faced ecstatic. I am happy! AND, I officially have really great gams to accompany both my disposition, as well as my smile!

Thanks for listening... Seacrest OUT!

Vacation Talks Have Officially Started

In mid February 2012 Tony and I ventured to an amazing resort in Negril Jamaica.  It was a well planned trip (that we both really looked forward to) but truth of the matter is it came at kind of an inopportune time.

Heading to meet Heidi & Brian for dinner.
Riu Tropical ~ Negril Jamaica
Taken: February 2012

Another day older and half a dollar wiser we have talked the last couple of weeks about how we would like to see next winter unfold.  I guess the ten million dollar question is, will our vacation time be pet free or pet friendly?

The hard reality is that I have to either book the beach house in South Carolina for Christmas or let it go. The more frustrating part is that if I don’t book personal vacation time now, I will once again end up working straight through. 

My intent tonight isn’t to whine about crappy vacations yet pull from the last three or four experiences and ask myself what I would I do differently? A few things come to mind.

I would suggest we not take a return night flight into YYZ ever again (it was exhausting). I would definitely confirm my daughter has her passport with her before trying to cross the border into the USA. But first and foremost, I would not take my Blackberry; it distracts me, literally alters my mindset, and Tony deserves better.

I am seriously embarrassed to admit my roaming charges in Jamaica were over $300. Last Xmas? Almost $200. And in April about $120 bucks (but that's only because I'd discovered remote WI-FI spots). NOT taking my Blackberry to the islands just upgraded our room or paid for Staci to dog sit for our week away.

WHAT?! Don't tell me you're going to bitch about the number of shoes I usually take? Whatever happened to three outta four ain’t bad? Hey there bucko ~ everyone knows that a girl's gotta accessorize her tan and her toes with really great shoes! It's right up there with thou shall always wear sunscreen... AND... I will not bring my Blackberry on vaycay!

H Is For... HAPPY BIRTHDAY

Well, it’s that time of year again. You know "that time"? When your special day rolls around on the calendar to remind you that you're one step closer to support hose, dentures, and really long afternoon naps!

I may be another year older, but this year the day will be considerably different than last. I had a great birthday last year (probably one of the best ever) but my mindset wasn’t as good as it is this year. Like I always say, change is good! 

As busy as I am, I know my day will come and go. I'm hopeful the odd person will wish me all the best; I’ll be grateful, I always am. There will not be a cake. No gifts will be given. That's not true; I know I will give myself one very specific gift. I’ll look in the mirror, thank God I am alive, and pray another year passes, and I don’t fall and break a hip.

April 9th, 2012 - HAPPY BIRTHDAY
Taken: April 1982

Because I've never really celebrated my birthday, there are very few pictures marking the specific day. 

The photo I am posting was taken thirty one years ago this week. The cake and photo were courtesy of my favourite cousin Joanne, and the pic was snapped at their kitchen counter in North Bay. 

Look at me! Who was that girl all those years ago?

I remember that very day (it was a Saturday). I remember I was happy. It was a very happy time in my life. Better yet? I know that on this day thirty one years later, the answer is exactly the same!

Lastly? The fact that it’s my birthday week means that I get to do my math any way I choose...

This year? I am one very happy 29 year old!!

Brace Yourselves Kind Folk…

Trekked into the cottage and enjoyed an amazing Spring day yesterday. For once, it was my husbands idea to head in and relax (before the shitith hitith the fan). It'll be a very crazy month for  me but that's part of the fun right?

Thanks Tony!

Taken: Orillia Lake... Forever Ago

I’m not sure why I took on this A-Z Challenge; I’ll be honest, I am not sure I will be able to finish. I have always been pretty driven, so I guess that's why I am willing to try.

How be we all just fold and give me an E for effort in general shall we?

My first EFFORT is tomorrow. Seems like there are very few Canadians involved; so I can’t promise I will even get noticed. That said, if you like a particular post, please share it. I promise I will keep them brief. A quick boo (even at why I chose the letter for the day) is all I ask.

Before it starts, I wanna send out a great big thank you. Thanks for understanding Tony. You know I will make it up to you  the first weekend in May!

Speaking of the first weekend in May. Can you have the water, septic, and outdoor shower hooked up at Orillia Lake by then?

Shoot. Let me guess, too far? CRAP...I knew it! I'm sorry. They were on my list of things to do and you know old habits die really hard...

Let's go this route. Anything on the list you can get crossed off before the first weekend in May will be greatly appreciated. xoxo

I AM Happy... Yet I Have Questions.

Looking back at my posts from this time last year, I know I didn’t have a single ounce of self-esteem; truth of the matter, I hadn’t had any for about the five years previous. I'll admit that I  was reading a lot to understand my situation at hand but I was at a complete loss, and had been for a very long time.

My really great stories are told when I smile with my eyes...

I may have regained my self esteem since but I still have some questions; the last six months tell me I always will.

Seriously? The personal biggie? Does everything happens for a reason?

If that's the case, what was MY reason?

If I am completely honest with myself, part of what's happened to me was due to how the journey with my father ended.  I know that sounds like a bit of a crutch. Yet, when do we really need crutches? We need them to aid us when we are hurting. After the last couple of weeks, it has become apparent that I am still in pain. Which is why I am finally going into grief counselling.

My daughter posted this graphic this morning and I immediately did two things; I saved it to my phone so that I could share it with all of you, and I sent it to a friend. Not because our friendship had some tragic ending; I just wanted to let them know, that no matter how many questions I have, I wouldn't change a single chapter of our story.

At the end of the day, isn't it the really great stories that provide one big happy ending?

What do ya know? Imagine that... Yet another question!

Once Discovered. Never Forgotten.

When I walked out the door this morning my surroundings took my breath away. It was about 3C outside and I swear you could actually feel the snow melting in the air. Today was the brightest it's been here in months. I stopped part way up the driveway, took it all in, and snapped my pic. It felt amazing!

Can February March?
No... But April May!
Taken: February 28th, 2013

I'm a pretty simple chick; I'm not saying that I am uncomplicated (because I can overthink with the best of them) but I have a pretty straightforward approach to my everyday life.

If there's one thing I've learned to do in the last couple of years, it's to embrace the moment, no matter how insignificant it may be. If it's unique I stop and take it in. Euphorically speaking, that's how I felt this morning.

Winter for me happens in layers.

The darkness of the shorter days is just that, so I try to soak up as much of the weekend daylight outdoors.

The deep freeze days (which usually lasts just a couple of weeks) has me nesting indoors. Those couple of weeks have me prioritizing all the crap that I ignore, because I'm too busy being active out of doors, the rest of the season.

Then there's the crazy fun days that we're heading into now. My absolute favourite. Mild snow covered surroundings that are still pretty but have yet to turn the landscape ugly as the next season approaches. Snowshoeing, downhill skiing, or a simple bonfire on the weekend keeps me smiling.

Let's face it; I love every season in Muskoka. To quote my good friend, the late Robyn Scott: Once Discovered. Never Forgotten. 

Personally; the last number of years I had certainly stopped discovering, and I had definitely forgotten. With that part of my journey in the past, I am committed to never looking back.

I am never going to take even my smallest discoveries from granted, I am never going to forget the pain I have pushed through, and I am never going to let anyone tell me how I should live my life. If you make your core goal personal happiness shouldn't everything else seem effortless?

As silly as that sounds, snapping my pic this morning was effortless. With Mother Nature providing a breathtaking backdrop, it just felt right. Why? Because I am  glowing.

For the first time in my life I'm absolutely comfortable in my own skin... and it shows!

What Do YOU Expect?

Have you ever wondered if the biggest disappointment in day to day life is expectation? 

Not only the expectation you have for yourself; but for those you love, as well as those that you surround yourself with. I realize that’s an extremely slippery slope, yet it’s the question I am left with this morning.

After a very successful morning at work (and very enjoyable afternoon off) for all intense purposes, I didn’t arrive home to what I expected. I’ll take that one step further and say, in finding what I did yesterday; I’m not sure what I should expect in the future. 

Sad really, because not only do I know what I want to have happen but I know what I need to have happen. That said, using the last couple of years as a measuring stick, I’m not sure either will. 

I’m anything but naive. I absolutely and unequivocally know the difference between "want" and "need". I learned that particular life lesson at a very young age. It was one of the core philosophies I was raised by. That’s not a criticism it’s a compliment. My parents raised me the best they could with the resources they had. I guess I have just been blessed to have more all around resources than they did. Naturally,  I automatically expected better results.

Where did I go wrong? Because my business grew so big so fast, I had Jenn and later Kath cater to my children. The harsh reality was that I was busy making hay while the sun shone. As a direct result, through their formative teen years, there may have been more sparing of the rod and spoiling of the child happening than should have for their own good. This was when the cracks began to surface.

Taken the day the Singleton Brothers hired me from Calgary.
They asked to match a face to a voice and so I emailed this pic.
Taken: July 8th, 2005

Truth of the matter is that I worked seven days a week for almost seven years.

If I wasn’t on a plane to Calgary or Halifax, I was in the Downtown GTA or over in Haliburton. 

I'll admit that I have learned firsthand that the laws of supply and demand can be excruciating as well as financially rewarding. 

I guess I just recognize now, that perhaps my priorities were out of focus, and monetary reward replaced a certain nurturing I had been given growing up in the 1970’s. 

As I enter the next phase of my life, I have to ask myself what I would have done differently in the last ten years? My list is long. For instance, I would have stayed away from the lime green and black print fashion combo I rocked back in 2005, when Barry and Brian hired me from Calgary. 

Seriously, I've had to ask myself this morning, what did you expect? Fashion choices aside, I know one thing's for sure. If I knew then what I know now; there would have been a very different result yesterday when I finally arrived at home!

Oh well... Onward and upward is the only direction I can go.

My Journey Started At YYZ...

In preparing for David to move home, I rearranged the spare bedroom this weekend. When organizing the extra room, it reminded me just how much I truly love to read.

Though most of my books are either at the cottage or tucked away on a need to read basis; my very favourite duplicates have somehow been assigned to the spare bedroom night stand, where I have been known to curl up at a moments notice and enjoy.

I really do consider all of these books my friends. I've purchased each and every one in the spare bedroom in a pinch to 'read something wonderfully familiar'. Sadly because they're duplicates, I only read parts and pieces, every now and again. Some I have never touched since their impulse purchase.

Anyway, in moving them all this weekend, I came across an extra copy of my very favourite book. How crazy is it that I'd forgotten I'd purchased it/her for the fourth time?

This business trip totally changed my life....
Taken February 10th, 2013

When I picked up my close friend I froze. Not because of who she was, but because of the bookmark I had left in her. I was shocked to find an airline ticket from a business trip I'd taken in March 2011 to Minneapolis. 

I had purchased my BFF (at the very last minute at YYZ) in an effort to embrace a trip that I had no desire to take. She offered me the comfort I expected that flight. Finding the ticket reminded me in real time, that the trip I was dreading to take, completely changed my life.

It's true. When I landed at MSP I was only going through the motions. By the time my plane took off back to Canada, I knew the experience had changed me. I arrived home with the personal goal to get fit and find the real me that had been missing since my father passed in my arms in 2005.

I've been second guessing myself a little lately but finding my plane ticket bookmark reinforces just how far I have truly traveled.

Three word sentence?  Meant to be!

Pass Me My Shades & My Walking Shoes

YES this was rented for Dottie & Puddin'...
& YES they will have their own bedroom!
Destination: Myrtle Beach, South Carolina

So after seeing Dave last Sunday, our Christmas plans changed yet again. 

For instance; in the eleventh hour we've gone from a two bedroom condo (on the third floor with a balcony), to a four bedroom home located directly on the beach. 

The guys at work were all like "WOW" but it’s the off season. Why travel that far and not truly enjoy the surroundings? Everyone making the trek should be happy right? Then we agree, both the two legged and the four legged travellers deserve to enjoy!

Though I'm not looking forward to the drive with the dogs; I'm ecstatic that I will get to eat my lunch outside, on the deck, with my sunglasses on in December. I'm bummed that my hamstring is still bugging me, so I don’t suspect I’ll run. What I do know is that I will walk for miles and miles. I’ll walk with the dogs and I'll sing. I will sing every single showtune I know, as well as the 400+ song I have downloaded. I'll decompress, and I know I will relax.

Not going to lie, I am seriously vibrating at the thought of my increasing my natural light intake. Until the Muskoka days start getting longer, I generally feel lethargic and at a little bit lost. As a result, I am constantly ambulatory at work. I wander from window to window, like a drug addict looking for a hit (or in my case a glimpse of natural sunlight). It's so bad for me this time of year, that when I wake in the morning, the first thing I do is turn all the lights in the house on. 

Not sure if I'm alone when I admit that I need/crave the natural light. I suffer so badly that if it's a bright day, I walk at high noon in hopes of helping my disposition. I walk to work in the dark and I arrive home in the dark. I find the days really long and my patience really short. I willingly admit it’s time, and that I really need a fix. 

As bitchy as ever, I guess the bad news is that I’ve just about had it. The good news is I said just about. The great news is I’m gonna make it. By the time I return in January, the slopes will be open, and the white snow will be brighter than the beach sand I left behind. 

Makes me smile and say "take that long Muskoka December days"... TAKE THAT!

And The Winner Is? HAPPINESS!

There are only two things in my life that are truly mine and this blog is one of them. As a result, I always try and write something every single day. Some entries are too personal to post and some just simply boast far too many curse words. All of that said, since my blogs inception, only one thing has seen and heard it all.

I’m not proud (and a little ashamed) to admit that my wireless keyboard has literally been to hell and back this past year. There have actually been times that I've had my good buddy on life support.

“What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” someones wise grandmother once said, which truly applies to my poor wee storyteller helper. I have been so hard on this little guy that I could imagine him slipping the wireless mouse a note, asking which day the electronic recycling truck passes, so he could hitch a ride and get the hell outta town!

I suppose I'm feeling sorry for my Microsoft Wireless 800 because last night I heard myself  utter the exact words that have eluded me. “All this time I think I’ve been looking for happiness” I said.

With arms wrapped around me it dawned on me, I am happy. The only difference between then and now are the things that make me happy have evolved and changed.  

Last night I finally realized that being happy doesn’t mean everything has to be perfect. It means that I  promise to see beyond (what I perceive as) imperfections and enjoy life one day at a time.  Close to two years later I've ultimately discovered that happiness is a choice that only I can make for myself.

As I have posted time and again, I had a really great summer. Moving forward, I have ultimately decided to stop trying to be what others think I should be instead making a personal commitment to continue my journey toward exactly who I want to be. I want to be me.

All gibberish aside, I am pleased to report that I just had a heart to heart with my keyboard. He’s relieved to hear the next thing on my list to deal with is the actual activity of downsizing. I am very excited to report that he's committed to me. He's just hoping downsizing will be far less emotional!

Thank You for Being My Friend

Have you ever noticed that when it comes to personal crisis you always have that core group of friends that come to your aid? You know; those select few that hear something in your voice or see the fret in your eyes? It’s hard to describe with text but I think you catch my drift.

July 2009 - Great Night!

Life (and business in general) this time of year is borderline psychotic. Success is had if you're “busy making hay while the sun shines" and let me tell ya, the UV rays have been Africa hot since March. 

The downside? My best friend works in the same market I do. We both need to make enough cash to stuff that hypothetical duvet cover ensuring we stay warm for the winter!

They say very few friends stay with you through the long haul. She's one of my four. 

We were business associates initially but our bond grew quickly. Seriously, I would help some people move, but I would absolutely and unconditionally help her move a body.  

She has wiped my tears many a time; tears because we laughed so hard we cried, as well as tears from my sobbing so hard, all she could do was cry alongside me. Funny how journeys and friendships go. Perhaps our bond is so solid because our individual journeys happened a decade apart.

It’s not been a great week. After all of her efforts to reach me (and lack of results) she knew something was up. We spoke today for the first time this week, she asked three times if I was OK, then she put an action plan in place. Kindred spirits we are she and I. She is irreplaceable and I love her very much. 

That said, for both our sake, I am officially calling the HENs to order. It's going to be loud but nothing we can't handle. Heads are gonna roll!

Damn Those Wheels On The Bus!

I enjoyed a very productive day yesterday. It was rainy, quiet, but extremely productive to say the least. Friday afternoons in the heart of the summer tend to be quiet but yesterday was downright peaceful.

My boss worked from home, which is always like a vacation day for me, and the much needed Irish mist weather kept the phones silent. I chatted with my favorite colleague in Kitchener (at least three times), appreciated an unexpected lunch date, and received my standing “Rhondi? It's Friday" call that always makes me laugh.

I absolutely love to laugh. I'm of the opinion that my smile is never meant to be turned upside down. The truth is, a frown always manages to consume me. I'm first to admit that sadness is a mindset so I try not to “go there". If I ever do, I tend to rationalize that it's because I am so focused. It's kind of like; when something doesn’t sync, I literally do the same, and sink.

For many different reasons it was a crazy week for me. I know it has a lot to do with my visit with David but it has honestly been a combination week of both interesting and odd. All and all, in a nutshell, I've been working overtime trying to turn my frown upside down.

In trying to relate to my mood, a friend ask me a critical question over lunch. “Do you ever think that we put so much of ourselves into our children, that everything in life continues to grow except us?” WOW. How wise? He's absolutely right. Then again, he should be wise; he's very old and has really bad cataracts!

All joking aside, I am sad to admit that when I don’t know the answer to a simple question it can keep me awake at night. I hate those silly little questions and answers.

Why are some decisions so hard to make and others so easy?  After all, I’m a decision maker right? Just decide! I would decide, except at this juncture in my life I don't think I know the real question. Hence my ongoing journey...

Damn those wheels on the bus. Sometimes I just wish they's stop going round and round, so I can enjoy a minute and a half of peace and quiet!

I’ve Missed You Doctor Johnny Fever!

I had a great day at work today. Not because I usually have a bad day but because today was an exceptionally good one.

Did start questionably, for the first time in forever I was running late, turns out it made no matter. Once at work, my morning flew by.  As my day progressed, I was pleasantly surprised when young Darren stopped in to say hello as well as my friend and colleague John.

It’s always nice to see both fellas, but today it was especially pleasant to see John. We greeted each other with mutual grandeur, I teased him with sarcasm (as I always do), and he complimented me on how I look. Actually, he told me... "you look great!" 

After I ran back to my lunch bag and fetched the ten bucks I generally pay out for compliments, I thanked him and quickly disclosed that “I haven’t looked nor felt this good about myself in ten years.” 

No questions asked, for the last decade, John has always been extremely supportive of me. He is an amazing leader, great with people, and I sense he loves life in general. I do tend to tease him about the market but I have an unconditional respect for his knowledge and business savvy. He`s a great guy.

As expected, we briefly chatted about the past, a mutual acquaintance, and my letting go. I don’t care who you are; how one deals with something (that I will label) personally traumatic, only happens when your heart heals, and your soul is ready. 

This summer has proven, that with my focus on inner balance & personal happiness solidified, certain things are best left in the past. As I said to the kind Doctor, “it was time.” After he left, I couldn't help but look inward. For a journey that literally began about two years ago, I have truly come a very long way. 

In a nutshell, here's how I see it. I can keep my heart closed in a darkened room, or I can open my heart and let light in and brighten my room. It is a matter of choice. My mind is my room.  Do I darken it, or do I fill it with light? I say bring on the light baby, I’m all about the UV Rays, the Vitamin D, and the tunes!

Thank you again Johnny Fever, it was great to see you.