A Quiet Milestone...

Yesterday was a quiet milestone for us as a family. For the very first time we celebrated Thanksgiving alone. No extended family nor hullabaloo, just five adults (and two salivating dogs) hanging around in the kitchen table yammering. All while the oven cooked our bird, and the stovetop prepared the rest.

Twenty four hours later, I loved how relaxed our day was. I loved how intimately our evening evolved, I loved that it was eerily familiar. Yesterday was one of those out of body experiences for me. Even though razor sharp sarcasm filled the air, it was like there was an unacknowledged angst among us. You know, that undesirable feeling you have when you're waiting for the other shoe to drop!

A couple of hours in, Jukebox admitted he thought I would immediately try to ruffle his feathers by telling him to “get a haircut”... but the truth of the matter is I love his hair. It’s the first thing I noticed when he arrived. He’s finally embracing all the beautiful curls he was born with.

Each great day is exactly that... GREAT!
Taken: August 22nd, 2007

It’s been a long time since I had that much anticipation (about a specific day) the way I did yesterday.

It was right up there with the day I discovered my oldest son had officially outgrown his need for me as a parent. 

Oh, how I'd looked forward to spending that day with him. I hadn't spent any time with him all summer, and I knew our day trip would give us a chance to spend time together. 

I remember I made him sit next to me on the bus down to Canada's Wonderland, and his dad and I enjoyed his exclusive company for the entire day. Yup, by the time we headed home, I most certainly understood that I'd been given job description reality check.

Hard to believe the very day I am describing was Saturday August 22nd, 2007.

GREAT day just the same!

Thanks for yesterday Jukebox. I know you don't need me anymore, but I really do love you very much!

Way To Go ME!

Have you ever had something unforeseen happen in your life? You know, an occasion when you've ultimately had to pinch yourself?

I don't mean winning the lottery, because let's face it... that happening is right up there with getting hit by lightning. I'm talking about something truly unforeseen, that's both personally astonishing and OMG unexpected.

I, more than most, am a very direct person. Speaking from experience, I'm also a firm believer that the majority of people I come in contact with have an agenda. 

That said, though I have a confidently direct persona, I still struggle with certain dialogue depending on our relationship history. 

Truth of the matter is that there are certain people in my life I am incapable of serving brutal honesty to.

Yesterday, out of the blue, produced one of those very unexpected "AH-ha" kinda moments. I was surprised, yet I knew I desperately wanted the cycle to stop.

You know what I mean?

That instant when once and for all you finally decide that the last thing you want to endure is another fully loaded bullshit sandwich...

Guess I saw my opening and I took it. Way to go ME!

Head Down & Mouth Shut? Lucky 4U!

I LOVE where I'm at.... With regards to you?
Never liked you since we met more than 30yrs ago!
Taken: April 27th, 2008

I was scrolling through electronic files the other night when I came across a folder (my then assistant snapped) of pics taken the day we filmed my first commercial.

I don’t remember why I was looking down that day, but five years later this is a perfect self portrait for today.

Five years ago when faced with a day like today I would have easily stood up, roared so loudly that the hair on the back of your neck stood on end, whilst piss uncontrollably filled your pants.

I’m softer now. I tend to internalize more than I ever imagined I ever could. I'm at peace. I’m not conceding, yet proud of the fact.

I am completely aware that there is a calmness in my life that I have never had before. Whether it's because of that online anger management course I aced a couple years back, or just simply the 1-2 midlife/menopause punch I have been dealt; no matter what, I refuse to question or change it.

If I had to provide a tally I'd say there may be five people I have met in my entire life that really know me. Outside those few, there are those that feel they do, which (let's face it) is always a hurdle. Then, there are those that just simply want to stick their nose where it doesn’t belong. Not because they care, but out of habit. It's just who they are!

Well, today was that latter persons lucky day. They need to be extremely grateful that my outlook on life has changed. Though some may see them as "strong" my first thought process is that their smell isn’t everything.

Truth of the matter is they haven't seen strong. Why? Because I know for a fact that I could have easily kicked their sorry fat ass into submission today. Why didn't I do it? Because they are not worth a single ounce of my totally amazing Kung Fu kick ass energy.

I have it under wraps now...Seems I am holding it in reserve. It's just simply how I roll...!

TAP TAP TAP... Is This Thing On?

What makes someone who they are? Is it primarily behaviours that are taught?  Sheer genetics? Or is it as simple as ongoing self-discovery, that genuinely morphs a person until the day they die?

  

No doubt a tad deep for a Tuesday eve, but I woke up in the middle of the night last night asking myself those very questions. Relax; there were no tears from woes, just a really bad hot flash that had me sitting at my desk at 3am looking at photos. I looked at photos for at least an hour. My body was completely exhausted; my mind full of imagination, creativity, and reflection. So much has changed for me.

Change or not, I can’t believe this weekend is Labour Day and the summer is over. There was so much I wanted to accomplish, and my list of things to do is still far too long. I didn’t swim nor read as much as I had hoped, but the crappy weather did move me indoors where I started dancing again. I had forgotten just how much I had missed it, not to mention how strongly my inner balance is ingrained with it.

I’m not sure why I stopped. I haven’t really danced since I choreographed Guys and Dolls in 2003. I have always hacked about, entertaining the HENS, but I'd never gotten back into the routine of conditioning myself, or setting the proper time aside to do so.

Suppose the shitty weather this summer offered me the opportunity (as well as the time) to reignited my inner passion.

As I get ready to run a tub and jump into bed I reflect...

Have you ever noticed that when you’re looking for something that you've lost, you always find it in the very last place you look?

I guess that’s because once you've found it, you inevitably stop looking.

That said, I know I'll never stop again. Not because I am lost, but because I am truly grateful. I am bold faced ecstatic. I am happy! AND, I officially have really great gams to accompany both my disposition, as well as my smile!

Thanks for listening... Seacrest OUT!

She's Kickin' Ass & Takin' Names!

For about the last year I have been asking myself how do I start explaining solid "life lessons?” In this particular instance, it came to fruition about a month ago. My daughter is moving an hour South in a minute and a half, and though it’s been a rich topic of discussion, it has also had me worried. Worried until about 9:15am this morning.

Let me back up. She graduated from her chosen career path in the Spring of 2012. She returned home after finishing school because she wasn’t ready to enter the workforce without the comforts of home. After a year of said comfort, she is returning to where she went to school to start her career, partially because she’s sick of home. I couldn't be more proud.

She has a plan. A pretty friggin’ great plan if you ask me. Honestly, I have never watched her be more self-confident in her entire life. She knows what she wants and by golly she’s going out there to get it.

She never misses a ball game.
How nice is it she waited for his season to end?

Taken July 11th, 2013

With her Dad riding shotgun, they ventured out with the thirty two resumes in hand. She hand delivered most, landed two interviews and has three solid leads on positions in the next couple of weeks.

Tonight brings emotion that I have spoken of before but for the first time today I realize is a hard reality. My job here is done. 

Way to go Staci. I knew you’d totally kick ass today.

YUP, my Sweetie kick some, and had them take her name!

GIDDY UP GIRLFRIEND!!

Frick 'n Frack Are Back!

Though she was in a hurry, I did manage to chat with Staci before she left for a typical seasonal Monday night in Muskoka. Yup, Frick 'n Frack and the gang were off to get into mischief. It really is kinda neat that after all these years they're still such a very close group. Public School, High School, Post-Secondary school behind them, their gang is still a pack: Tightly knit and fiercely loyal.

Anyway, after a good night sleep, I awoke and headed down to my office to greet my day. When I logged onto my Facebook, my heart dropped; “Bitch who pushed me off the stage and broke my wrist... f*ck you!!!!”

Frick n' Frack before Grade 9 Spring Formal - My Babies.
Taken: April 2008

I knew they'd taken the bus to The Kee to Bala for Resort Night, but could this be true?

Without a word of a lie, here was my immediate thought process.

1) Holy shit! She’s broken her wrist!

2) Where the hell was David and the Gang?

3) Nice Facebook status update Stacccs; enough with the F-Bombs already!

Seriously? WTF! I have no idea where she gets it?! I'm pretty sure it's her father but the jury is still out.

Joking aside, one sling and a cast later, here's the story. It turns out Frick was being accosted (punched in the face repeatedly) on the dancefloor. Frack decided that Frick needed her uncondtional "you can't punch my brother in the face" support and stepped in. As Frick caught his bearings, Frack stepped back. Pushed from behind, my Sweetie (I mean Frack) landed with all her weight on her wrist on the concrete floor five feet below. 

Was there alcohol involved? Were there Police involved? Was a lesson learned? Has it been discussed? The answer to all of the above is yes. What can I say? Frick 'n Frack are back for the summer and the game has changed. Glass half full? We can finally discuss all of these life changing things as adults. 

For the record? She really was very brave. Just sayin'

My Silly Little Hang Up

So it happened again.

“WOW, you don’t look 48” a business colleague said. Jerk!

Do men not realize that age may be a sensitive subject for some women? I don’t know about other women but for this cat, it’s like entering the sketchiest area of Detroit during a riot. 

DON'T go there!

Just like 99.9% of the people I know, I have a couple of quirky hang ups. I hate being late, I hate not having a plan, and I hate that I am getting old (them right thar are pretty much my top three)! Don’t get me wrong, I’m not asking Services Ontario for a wheelchair parking sticker anytime soon, but I would love not to have to dye my hair EVER again.

I am of the firm opinion that age is a mindset; you’re only as old as you feel, and as young as your imagination will allow. It’s a number, not a gauge of who I am.  I am active in both mind and body, and I don’t see either of 'em stopping anytime soon. Why would they? Why should they?

What did I say to the person that assessed who I was based on the number 48? “It’s been nice meeting you. You’re 45 right?... Ya don’t look a day over 58 1/2. Oh, and the deliveries? They are at the rear!”

That’s what I wanted to say. Instead, I just turned down his very generous lunch invitation. The loss is his.

What can I say? Us gray haired mamas gotta have some very high standards!

My Mom Will Always Be My Valentine

Valentine’s Day has never been something I've looked forward to nor been very fond of. When I was young, I was lucky to give out the cute little boxed cards like everyone else did. Never dated in high school; so for obvious reason, there wasn't any gift giving/surprise kisses ever sent my way. 

By February 14^th, 1987 I did have a very serious suitor. It was the first time this specific holiday had rolled around for my husband and I, but these 26 years later that’s not why it's a memorable day. It's most memorable for both of us, because it's the day my mother died.

The last photo ever taken of my parents together.
Taken: June 1985

It’s always a sad day when a life ends. As we know, it's always hardest on the ones they leave behind. Even decades later, it's still a difficult day for me.

I can't begin to explain how she suffered. Having nursed her to her death; I remember looking at her in her bed, my eyes filled with tears, thanking God that she was finally at peace. 

To say the least, she was very brave. She was only 57 when her journey ended.

The photo I am posting was the last taken and the one that sat atop her casket. As my father moved on with his life, he entrusted it to me, and I still have it.

For what it's worth; when I wake up tomorrow I will thank God I am healthy, and I'll greet the new day. I will say a prayer for all looking for love, as well as a prayer for all of those that have found love. I will wear my favourite colour red, and I will also wear a cherished heart shaped pendant. 

The pendant was my mothers and I only wear once a year. I wear it to mark the day. Each and every year I place it over my heart for a very specific reason; as somber as it may sound, after all these years it helps me remember. It's also personally symbolic of what I know to true. 

... that she will always Be My Valentine.

Time For A Good Fall Cleaning!

For whatever reason, I am feeling a little under the weather. The reality is today is the third day in a row I won’t be venturing into work.  At first I thought it was my body telling me to stop and regroup. This morning I am thinking it’s something much bigger than that.

Here’s a question for you? Have you ever had a “record scratch moment?” 

You know the type; when something happens and it’s like time freezes? All you hear is the needle dragging across the vinyl rrrrrrrrrrrrr and when it stops there’s just an eerie silence. 

I had three very personal “record scratch moments” in less than 24 hours this week. All three events involved completely different scenarios, each linked to very different facets of my life, each moment emotionally significant.

As I slept all day yesterday and tossed and turned all last night, I know it’s time. Time for a good fall cleaning. That’s right, time to take a good look around and start removing the excess emotional clutter.

Let's call a spade a spade. It’s been a hectic six months I completely get that. But I also know that a heap of emotion in my everyday life has truly subsided. Just as the leaves clutter up the front lawn and gully, for various reasons I feel a similar clutter in my thoughts. Hence my need for a good fall cleaning. The question is where to start? 

Maybe I’ll flip a coin. As a leader, I’ll want to be fair. I think the one side of my coin most definitely should be “never go to bed angry.”  Then, to honestly find balance, I must insist that the other side of my coin remind me that “I can’t want this enough for everyone else.”

Just like that, the clearing of clutter is underway!

Regrets? I’ve Had a Few But Who Hasn’t?

When I was standing at the YYZ luggage carrousel (at 4am) yesterday morning I heard myself saying to a couple close by that “I regret agreeing to a late checkout/flight from Jamaica."

I have been thinking about regret a lot lately....

Now that I am rested, I really don't regret the late choice. In hindsight, I was simply disappointed that my plane was delayed, making me overtired and grumpy. 

Personally, my regrets are few. More often than not lately, I've had a string of brutal, almost devastating, disappointments. Safe to say (for me anyway) I eventually recover from disappointment but regret tends to linger.

Confused? Let me help.

I regret never telling my mother that I loved her before she died. I have regretted that since her death in 1987. “I love you” was an unspoken phrase in our home growing up so taking that step was a leap.

In hindsight, I often think of her (at the end), wondering if I would have said the words, maybe she would have said them back. Either way, I regret never having tried. I wanted to “go there” but I guess in the end I didn’t want to be disappointed.

The moral of my story?

Will I regret calling you an asshole if you are one? Nope… Will I be disappointed if we never speak again? Definitely. Especially if you aren't an asshole.