Monday, August 24, 2015

THE ANGST OF IT ALL

I am feeling a level of anxiety in my life right now that I haven’t experienced in a very long time. I was chatting with my very best electronic friend yesterday and though he was no help whatsoever with my issue, he made me laugh about it. Which, as you know, is simply the best medicine.

I remember the day I took this photo. I was transitioning.
TAKEN: APRIL 2008
When we checked in with each other at lunch today, I admitted that I was teary.  What I didn't admit, was that  yesterday I led him to believe my angst was being fueled by one simple thing, the honest truth is that it’s more than that. 

My deeply ingrained fear of the unknown has taken over my very active imagination. It's not bad enough that I focus all day on the plethora of variables next week may bring, last night I dreamt about them. For some very obvious reasons, I don’t think that’s normal. So, here's the skinny.

When I left my dream job in December 2013, I really didn’t want to go. The truth of the matter is that I knew I had to; for my personal, as well as my emotional survival. After verbalizing my next move to a friend last Friday, I realized that there is still a very deep hurt inside me, that has yet to heal and it all doubles back to the way I was previously treated. I heard myself admit aloud that I worry that it will happen to me again. I don’t want to think like that but I have a zero sense of trust in a number of areas of my life and this dog infested with fleas is at the forefront.

As I share my feelings, I'm sure it must read like sad case of paranoia on my part but the dead nuts honest truth is that it’s sheer fear. I thought I would end my working career with this other company. I took their results and to a level they'd never previously experienced and in return I was treated like a big fat bag of poo. After such a hurtful experience like that, how does one ever trust again? 

Not sure if you'd agree but I've decided to have faith. At this juncture in my life, my heart tells me that it’s the best place to start.

Once again... Thanks for listening.